Lunacy Described

My last post reminded me of how much of a lunatic I sounded to myself when I first became a Christian. I was shocked that the words I heard came out of my mouth. But the longer I've walked this walk, and the more it's sunken in, I don't sound so crazy anymore. Maybe to you, but that's okay. There's really only one I need to impress, and he's already impressed in spite of me. Here are some of the things that sounded crazy to me:

• heaven
• hell
• angels
• demons
• devil
• satan
• holy spirit
• lord
• jesus
• ressurrection
• spiritual warfare
• creation

I am 100% convinced that this stuff is real. And I have proof.

We're Back!

It's been a long time since I've posted. Life has taken hold of my extra time formerly used for posting. Since I last wrote, I did a 4th and 5th step with my sponsor, my husband and I continue to go to the couples 12-step meeting weekly, he is in counseling individually, we go sometimes together, and I am working on finding a counselor I like.

Coming from a self-help-turned-born-again-Christian perspective, it's difficult doing the counseling thing. Most insurance plans don't cover Christian counselors, and Christians who happen to be counselors of the secular type don't disclose that they're Christian. I've been to mainstream counselors a few times since I've been a Christian, and it presents a bit of a personal dilemma for me. I don't want self-will advice. I don't want medication. I want counsel on depending on the Lord. That's just me.

I continue to struggle (mildly) with Alanon issues. I feel all sorts of inner turmoil when he seems to be in a bad space, and then I react on past stuff rather than staying in the moment. If you're in recovery, you get it. If you're not, I probably sound like a lunatic to you.

Anyway, life is good. God can heal anything and it is totally beyond my comprehension. It's a matter of having faith and just acting as if he can really do this thing you're asking. Then sit back and watch. I can NOT believe we're coming up on 9 years of marriage (and 3+ years pre-marriage). And the recent stuff that made us leave was the mildest over the past decade +.

God is good. All the time.

The Antichrist!?

I don't want to give this guy more publicity than he's already had, but what is up with the dude who claims to be Jesus Christ, claims to be the antichrist, has the mark of the beast and has had his followers branded with the mark as well? This is not a joke! Fuh-REAK! I'm glad I'm on the winning team! I'm not even going to link to his site or any of the coverage.

My father is a Jew.

I grew up in the wealthy Jewish suburbs of Chicago. We were one of only a few non-Jewish families. My best friend was Jewish. My parents' best friends were Jewish. We sang the dreidel song in public elementary school. I ate matzoh. I went to Hebrew school with my best friend. We lit their menorah. (I actually thought Ovaltine was a Jewish food until about 2 years ago, because I always ate it at my friend's house!) That was in the 70s. I had no idea that my pseudojewish beginnings offered a hint of what was in store for my eternal existence. On September 16, 2003 that I found out that my "earth" dad is kind of a temporary dad for me. My real father, my savior, is Jesus Christ! Here's a little about that:

//http://youtube.com/watch?v=bwJJjLkOaXg

Why I'm Called Binky

I am a binky. A pacifier. A pappy. Whatever you want to call it. My daughter nursed from October 17, 2001 to October 17, 2004. My son nursed from September 27, 2005 and is still going strong. It is sad to think of the day he decides to quit, since he is our last. There are things I've done wrong with parenting, but this is one thing I can say I've done right. I am proud I made it through the tough parts, like mastitis and engorgement and going back to work. And I'm so grateful for the support I had. Please find a La Leche League meeting if you are pregnant. You will cherish the support and you will not regret the decision to breastfeed. Check out the breastfeeding forum at www.gentlechristianmothers.com . Also, www.llli.org is a great resource as is www.kellymom.com . Good luck! And remember, Jesus was breastfed! Check out this funny video of a typical breastfeeding toddler. http://youtube.com/watch?v=cCJQ7Zu-9nI

The Insanity of Untreated Alcoholism

Check out this great article on the dry drunk.

http://www.barefootsworld.net/aaspiritualmalady.html I know him well. I've been married to him for years. Makes me wonder if he's ever truly been sober. I don't think so. I've thought he was mentally ill. But my sponsor told me today that all the nutso things he's saying is a classic example of untreated alcoholism. Maybe he will pick up a drink. Maybe he's been abusing his medication. I am convinced that the spiritual malady is a necessity for true recovery and freedom from insanity. I sure am grateful that I am able to thank God in all circumstances today.

Reconciliation in Action

I'm going back. I don't know when, but I'm going back. I was holding on for the kids, and because that's what I'm supposed to do, I think. But now it's about us. He is really making an effort. We've been in a cycle for a long, long time. And after a bad spell there are lots of promises. But this time it's different. I know I sound like a duped abuse victim when I say that, but all I can say is I know that I know that I know. He might not get well, but he is definitely trying very hard, and there is a humility now that has not been present for a long time.

We've been to a couples AA meeting together, which was like the missing link. Can't wait to go back. He's been to counseling and I've been to counseling, and we've been to a session together. We're having date nights together. We're going to meetings together. And we're doing what we need to do to grow individually.

Best of all, we are in love! I have not felt this way since our first date, and maybe not even then! I know God can do all things, but I must admit I do doubt sometimes. We are going to spend the night at the house one night this week and see how it goes. He has even offered to have separate bedrooms until I am ready. God is definitely doing for me what I cannot do for myself in this situation!

To Spank or Not to Spank?

I've done it. Didn't want to. Wasn't gonna. I was practicing "Attachment Parenting" to the best of my ability at the time with every intent not to spank. But before she was four, my daughter had been spanked more times than I had in my lifetime. Even though I was technically a spanker, I really did try every alternative. My preference was still not to spank.

Now I understand the biblical perspective, but after talking to the ladies at www.gentlechristianmothers.com and www.aolff.org, I found out about Christ's love for us without using a literal "rod" to get his point across. Honestly, I haven't studied this thoroughly. But even if you tell me that as a Christian I am commanded to spank my kids, I will not do it (that is, I will not make a decision to do it regularly). Why? Because I don't have a handle on how to beat/punish my kids in a loving, Christ-like way. It's an oxymoron, isn't it? Plus, I have anger issues and I don't trust myself. After my son was born, I had postpartum depression, and the surge of hormones through my body rendered me incapable of making responsible decisions regarding forceful physical handling of my daughter.

I don't get it! I was not beaten as a child. I was spanked, in as loving a way as it can be done, a handful of times. I remember what each time was for, which they say is good. My close friend and mentor is very loving and structured with her kids when she spanks them. And she does it as often as necessary. She feels it is a command. But I am not able to detach emotionally when I have to deliver the spanking.

So here I am, a non-spanking-minded occasional spanker. What??? I've discovered so much about punitive parenting, and how so much of what I do is just that, and it doesn't actually accomplish much. I'm far from free of all the toxicity, but I'm doing the best I can. I am totally supportive of people who choose not to spank (though I respect each parent's choice, understanding that they are likely carrying out God's will in their lives), and I am of the non-spanking mindset, really trying not to practice punitive parenting. But, boy is it hard! I am constantly learning and striving to be more Christ-like.

The answer needs to come from God

My Alanon/AA sponsor tells me she believes that God wants me to live a life filled with joy, not suffering. And I guess I can see how anyone in their right mind would tell me I don't deserve this kind of treatment. My best friend is supportive of whatever I choose (but she also has my new husband picked out for me!). My non-Christian counselor told me my husband doesn't like me. I said it's not me he doesn't like. She said, what do you mean it's not you? He criticizes everything about you! There's nothing about you that he does like. Even my Christian friend and mentor supports me to do whatever I need to do, knowing that my marriage is in a vicious cycle. So in all of this, who do I go to for my answer? The answer needs to come from God.

The problem is, lately, I have not been spending time in prayer. I feel blocked because of all the resentment, and I'm stalled out in the middle of a 4th step inventory of our marriage. Once I get that out, I will be rid of the unforgiveness and cleared out so God's light can shine. That's the hope I'm holding out for.

I know that the suffering I will endure is nothing compared to what Christ endured, and my time on this earth is short. But I just don't know. Is persecution in the name of Christ the same thing as suffering in a situation like this? Here is a link to some scripture that is helpful to victims of abuse:
http://www.abuseofwomen.org/godspeaks.html

So in the meantime I'll look for God's guidance in prayer and the Bible. If someone decides to get divorced and it is led by the Holy Spirit, then fine. And if that were the case for me right now, I'd have no problem doing it. But I am not convinced. I would be doing it because I am sick of this crap and there's something better out there for me. I would be following my flesh. It is so tempting.

spidering...

Healthy, Happy and Whole

Would Jesus Leave Me?

No. He would not. Yet here I am, struggling with the decision - to leave or not to leave (my marriage). I have two small children. I am a Christian. Christ loves us unconditionally and would not, no matter what, leave us. We're called to take up the cross and follow him, right? And my persecution on this earth is so miniscule compared to what he endured. The world tells me I need not suffer. Christians tell me I am not of this world, my time here is short, and I am to follow the Word. I know I just have to be in prayer about this. But I'm feeling rebellious there, too. Why??? A life run on self-will sucks. Yet I persist in reaping the suckiness. Stubborn alcoholic.

I met him in an AA meeting in 1995. I was in a slowly dying relationship. I was not a Christian. He was F-I-N-E! And his smile made me blush and turn the other way. We thought we were doing things the right way. This time things would be different. We were not going to repeat the dysfunctional patterns of past relationships. We started individual therapy with the same counselor before we even started dating. I broke up with my boyfriend and I "mourned" the relationship at the suggestion of the counselor, setting our "first date" well in advance so we wouldn't do the rebound thing. Can you say "self-will"? Seems to be a buzz word here.

We dated for two years before marrying, living together for nine months prior to the wedding. There were lots of signs that things were crazy, but this was the sanest relationship I had ever been in! And I thought that, since we were so committed to working on ourselves and the relationship, we could conquer anything (there's that self-will again). Who was I kidding?

We know now that he was bipolar, but being untreated back then, erratic behavior ensued. There was definite verbal abuse, and he was not the only one dishing it out. He broke things that belonged to me, used the car as a weapon of terror, stopped working on our relationship because he was "tired of working on it", decided during the engagement that he believed in "open" marriages. I think God was sending me the rope but I wasn't grabbing hold of it. There was only one thing left to do. Get married! The wedding was elegant. I'd do it the same way if I had it to do over (almost).

Less than a year after the wedding, he came to me with the admission that he had been "injecting intravenous narcotics for 4 days." In layman's terms, that's shooting dope. I didn't believe him. I thought he was putting me on until he showed me. His body was covered with bruises, from between his toes, up his legs, groin, covering his arms, up to his neck. I was sick. I couldn't speak. Here's my husband, been sober for years - now a junkie. I had considered the possibility of him cheating on me one day, but had never imagined this in my wildest dreams.

Now what should I do? I didn't go to Alanon, though I should have. Another rope from God perhaps? I chose to stay. (I have been blessed with an overabundance of loyalty, which has served me well - at times.)

I have come to understand, after many years of denial, that I was under the attack of the enemy within our marriage, disguised as verbal abuse from my husband. Patricia Evans does a great job of painting a clear picture of verbal abuse in her books on the subject.

In addition to calling me a wide assortment of names, there was violence on things. He smashed our headboard to splinters with a baseball bat, broke my things, threw my stuff around, threatened to divorce me if I smoked another cigarette (back when I struggled with that), took the credit cards and checkbooks and got in my face while I was taking a nap with our beautiful daughter and said, "You'd better get up off your lazy a** and get a f***ing job because I'm leaving you and I'm taking all the money - the checkbooks, the credit cards, everything. Get a f***ing job!" He has not been honest. He has erratic mood swings and tries to control everything about me. He does not know me. He rarely looks at me. He doesn't talk to me, he only tells me what to do or what to change.

Why am I still here? Well, technically I'm not. I'm staying at my parents' so I can take care of myself outside of the dysfunction. The kids are with me. I'm here because I've always believed he's a sick person trying to get better, not a bad person. When one of his deals is over, he always comes out shining on the other side, very apologetic and taking all the right steps to get better, willing to do anything. I'm here with the goal of reconciling. Jesus loves me unconditionally and would never leave me no matter how sick I got. I am called to try to be like Christ. My vows were in front of God (even though I was not a Christian). He is the father of our children, and our daughter is 5 and in love with him. Will it hurt them more for me to stay, or leave? What would you do? WHAT WOULD JESUS DO???

This Blog Thing

Ok, I give up. I thought I was computer savvy. This blogging fad passed me by while I was mothering my little ones. By the time I heard of it, it was way over my head. Just like when CDs came out - I was not going to do it - my cassettes had worked fine for me. And it wasn't until around '95 that I finally gave in to that fad. So here I am. I give up. I surrender. I'm a blogger.